Fist Fights,Late Nights,Rock & Roll Shows

My friends have no idea what my job entails

B: How many nodes are you going tap at work tonight? That's what hackers do right? Tap nodes?

You look like you have money… but you look like you have money because you robbed somebody.

— B on my chances of getting mugged in the city

M: I wonder what Urban Meyer said at his press conference.

B: He said, "There are two things I can't beat: Alabama and cancer."

My roommate got me a book discussing the philosophy of morality for Christmas.

We’re hoping the conclusion is: there is none.

My God is a pretty chill God

I come home and one of my roommates is decked out in his perahan tunban, complete with authentic shemagh. Basically, he's dressed like a native Afghan. We go for a beer run and hit the checkout with three 40s and two 12 packs. M browses through the porn selection and tosses a Hustler on the pile.

Pakistani store clerk: *referring to the scarf* Where did you get that?

M: Afghanistan.

Pakistani store clerk: What were you doing over there? Fighting?

M: Praying... I'm pretty religious... as you can see.

Filed Under: Probably Offensive

*Please keep in mind, my two best friends are professional soldiers and trained killers.

B: Hey, you know that 'Fireflies' song?

Me: *belting* "I get 1000 hugs, from 10,000 lightning bugssss!"

B: Yeah, that's the one.

Me: Don't worry, I know it's ridiculously catchy. Don't feel bad, I downloaded it too.

M: Actually...

B: We choreographed an interpretive dance to it...

Me: ...

M: Yeah...

Tijuana 2.0

Me: Calalia? What is that?

B: It's a multi-media horse show. It looks pretty cool.

Me: What the fuck is 'a multi-media horse show?'

M: A fancy donkey show.