Fist Fights,Late Nights,Rock & Roll Shows

Good Form v. Bad Form

I’m not a man who plays by the rules. I hate rules. I have to wait 2 days to call you? Fuck that bitch, I’m calling you NOW. At 4 in the morning. On a Wednesday. Hammereddrunk. BECAUSE I DON’T PLAY BY THE RULES. But I’m getting off topic.

Rules are black and white and as we all know: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” Instead, I prefer to group things into two categories: Good form and Bad form. The beauty with the form system is that you can still do something that’s totes-mcgoats bad form and get away with it provided your damage control game is tight. So without further ado, here are a few moves that I consider bad form along with their good form alternatives.

Bad form: Spitting game
Good form: Being a social, interesting person

Bad form: Calling a girl more than twice without a response
Good form: Call once, leave a voicemail. Call again, if no answer - tough cookies, move on

Bad form: Never taking a fucking hint
Good form: If she’s not interested, LEAVE HER ALONE

Bad form: Being sappy and emo
Good form: Getting accidentally sappy & emo but having the brains to not call/text/update facebook with retarded statuses

Bad form: Hitting on her friend
Good form: Getting a wingman to hit on her friend

Bad form: Drunk dialing (if you’re a guy)
Good form: Drunk dialing (if you are a girl). This is probably a personal thing because I love getting drunk dialed by a cute girl

Bad form: Bringing up your ex
Good form: Not punching her in the throat when she brings up hers

First Impressions, Double Lives & “Types”

“You’re not my type.”

The concept of “types” has been really intriguing me lately. A lot of this is due to my so called double life and watching how different people react to me based on how I look at the moment.

Your first impression of me would probably be miles apart based on when we crossed paths.

Suit & tie, or dress pants and collared shirts - Hard working, smart, ambitious.

Jeans, tees, peirced & tattoo’d - Slacker, creative, vagabonder.

I would venture that living this sort of double life is not uncommon for people my age, balancing a professional life while embracing what youth we have left.

Type really seems to have nothing to do with personality but instead is more of a social ideal. So “he’s not my type” deconstructs to “I think he’s nice enough to get to know, but he doesn’t fit into my social circle.”

I’ve noticed men are more easy going. The only guys I’ve ever known with types are the really religious guys who want an equally religious girl. Again, a social thing. They can associate and be friendly with any female but will only date one that fits into the social mold of being religious.

I guess my point is that stereotypes are bad and type-casting sucks. Get out of your comfort zone and stop dating people exactly like your fucking exs.

How To Survive The Hookup Culture

Full disclosure: This is yet another post inspired by Nicole. You aren’t reading her blog? Look, I know berating your readers is a writer no-no, but I’m no writer. I’m a motherfucking problem. Despite the title, Nicole’s post reads like more of a primer on the hookup culture and not necessarily a survival guide. Luckily for you, I’m pretty into survivalism. I regularly square off against zombie targets at the shooting range in preparation for the impending zombie apocalypse (it’s coming y’all) so you know you can trust me.

Don’t Take Things Personal

Realize what the Game is and how it’s played. Ultimately you need to be somewhat callous because the sport of hookup is not a group sport (well, I mean, it can be if you’re into that sort of thing). Sometimes he won’t call, sometimes she’ll start seeing someone else and before you even find someone to hookup with you are going to have a few crash and burn conversations with potentials. Get. That. Dirt off ya shoulder (damn, two Jay-Z references two paragraphs in? Nice.) and keep it moving. Which leads me to my next point…

Always Put Yourself First

Because everyone you are hooking up with is. This isn’t a relationship. You HAVE to look out for #1 if you want to survive the hookup culture. If not, you will be taken advantage of and you will get hurt. Putting yourself before others will also help to create a healthy distance, ensuring you avoid becoming attached prematurely or unwittingly.

But Don’t Be a Dick

Fuck, we get it. You’re the shit, you’re in demand. That doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to ANYONE. There is a difference between taking care of yourself and using and manipulating people. When you get down to it, sex is actually a very intimate thing (I have to bring this up?). Don’t forget people’s feelings because ultimately it is possible to play this Game and cause minimal heartache. Try to stay on the same page with partners and don’t lead anyone on who catches feelings. Nobody is immune, it’s happened to all of us.

Know What You Want From a Relationship

Wait, aren’t we talking about hooking up? Yes, but pay attention. Hookups are usually the result of alcohol or meeting someone who isn’t quite relationship material but you still find attractive. Knowing what you need from someone in a relationship will help you categorize someone quicker. You think hookups are tiring? Dating requires 10 times the effort. This sounds cold blooded but determining if someone is date-able or hookup material early on will save you lots of (time|effort|money).

Take A Fucking Time Out

Dude, this Game is tiring: mentally, physically and socially. Take breaks. Get out from time to time. I’ll be honest, I’m not great at this. It usually takes me about a month to decompress and re-affirm that this whole hookup game is temporary, and indeed, there are still relationships in the year double-nought-nine. Recharge your batteries. One of the positives about the hookup culture is that it’s the complete opposite of a relationship. Put yourself first (sound familiar?) and if you need a break, take it.

Don’t Forget the Endgame

Perpetually hooking up is not the goal. A lot of people get wrapped up in the hookup lifestyle, and that’s fine if that’s what you want. But it’s probably not. I’m about as high testosterone of a guy as you can get and there is no way in Hell that I want my current “love” life to be the norm FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Enjoy yourself. You only live once after all, but keep your eyes on the prize, whatever that may be. You will not be damaged goods, prom-sies.

Conclusion: The Game sucks, even for those of us who are winning it do okay. But we are animals and sex is a necessity. Hooking up is a lot like masturbation. It’s something enjoyable and passes the time. Play it cool, take it easy and for the love of Physics, please don’t over complicate things. Are we living in moral times? Are we doomed to Hell for participating in the hookup culture? Please, Millennials aren’t breaking new ground here, but we are trying to do it better than it’s been done before, pretty much like we do everything.

Unless you’re willing to take up that vow of celibacy (better you than me man than me), participate, meet new people, be safe, learn new things but don’t give up the search for that thing you really want. Ultimately I think the hookup culture, as frustrating as it can be, is just one more way we can learn and love without settling for an unfulfilling relationship.

Oh, and have awesome sex.

8 Ways to Step Up Your (e)Game

I’m far from a player (hey, not that far), but what I am is a social chameleon with an academic background in social media. Here are some basic rules about dating & the internet that I cringe at on the reg when not followed.

Avoid posting specifics about your dating life

This is rule #1. We’ve all got blogs, twitters, facebooks. DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT YOUR DATING LIFE. Trust me, internet stalking is easy. Unless you post absolutely anonymously, using completely unlisted usernames & URLs, your sites will be found.

DON’T TALK SHIT

If you break rule #1, don’t break this one. Dating is like employment. Your next employer is not going to hire you if they read some shit you talked about your previous employer.

You broke rules 1 & 2? At least keep it ambiguous… fuck

Why are you even reading this if you aren’t going to follow it? Okay, you talked about dating and talked shit. Don’t use any personally identifiable information when talking about the other person. This way you can play it off when confronted by someone who is pissed you talked about them. Keep in mind, this is dirty. If you have to use this rule, congratulations, you are an asshole.

Keep blatant flirting to private channels

This is a rookie mistake. Keep the obvious flirtation to DMs, private messages and emails. Not only does openly flirting across social networks make you seem desperate, it could also come off as a little creepy. Plus, you never know who else is watching (see the last rule).

Delete, delete, delete

I’m not advocating cheating here but we’ve all been in that gray area. You are seeing someone pretty regularly but haven’t yet had “the talk.” As such, you’re still playing the field. Nothing technically wrong with that but your steady may not see it the same way. Text messages, facebook messages, emails. Delete anything scandalous without abandon.

Stay in ‘stealth mode’

“Why aren’t they responding? I see them on facebook/IM/updating twitter.” This is tricky, you need freedom to move online but don’t want to give the impression that you are ignoring anyone. Keep your IM status to “busy.” Facebook has one better, go completely invisible. A recent feature I found on my G1 is ‘send caller to voicemail’. Anytime I’m out with a girl, all other female friends get sent to voicemail automatically. Avoids the awkward “who was that calling” question. Don’t have this feature? Your phone’s silent mode works just as well.

Know who you’re dealing with

Most of my guy friends have been in serious long-term relationships for a while and this is a concept that is completely foreign to them. I’m in my mid-twenties and date girls anywhere from the ages 18 to 30. Each age group plays the game a little differently and knowing how to react to key. People between 18-22 (college age) grew up with their cell phones basically attached to them. They treat texting the same way people my age used to treat IM. You sent a text message, therefore you have your phone on you, therefore you can reply immediately to messages, having basically real-time conversation. People like myself in their mid-twenties tend to send messages while multi-tasking. We’re out of college with jobs and busy lives. Texts should be expected whenever one gets the chance to respond. Late twenties, early thirties tend to be more phone talkers. A text will likely be responded to with a phone call.

Live your online life assuming every person you are dating is watching

This is self explanatory. Assume everyone you date is reading what you publicly post (they probably are) and post accordingly.

Conclusion: I hope I didn’t give the impression that I advocate being shady. Most of this should be common sense to anyone dating in the digital age. Overall I advocate honesty in any relationship. If someone asks you if you are dating other people you should be honest, but unless you are getting serious with someone, that is the extent of what they need to know.

Full disclosure: This post was inspired by, but definitely not a response of any kind to this post by Nicole, who I have a huge eCrush on. Pretty sure I just broke, like, every rule.

Buying into the fantasy

Like any red blooded American 20 something male (or person, according to my social circle), it’s not unheard of for me to offer my patronage to the local artisans of the erotic dance variety. My view of such activities is thus: I am a client, these girls are at work doing a job. There are no connections being made, there is only an exchange of services and money. The end.

I have a friend who views a night out at the gentlemen’s club differently. To him, the experience as a whole is what he is purchasing. He wants to be approached, flirted with, and generally made to feel like there is some sort of relationship blossoming. He calls it “buying into the fantasy.” He knows the truth, that the girls are only after one thing, but he consciencely decides to suspend belief for those few hours and left himself believe that these tens of girls are all pining for him for a reason that is not his money.

Interestingly enough, this is how I approach so called “falling in love.”

I get that love is largely made up to 2 things: brain chemistry and evolutionary psychology. I know that when a woman says she loves me, what she means to say is “I love the security and genetic diversity you will provide for our potential offspring.” I get that in her sub-conscience, I am a symbol for successful reproduction. And by the way, this isn’t a one-way street. I realize these true-isms go both ways.

I know that pheromones and testosterone along with physical ratios are responsible for initial attraction and dopamine and oxytocin are the reason for the feelings of intimacy apparent after sex. “Love” as humans experience it does not really exist, it’s all one big production to facilitate pair-bonding in order to increase the survival statistics of possible children.

Yet still we buy into this fantasy.

After the drinks have been drank (c/o T-Pain), cigars have been smoked, and a good time had by all, my friend leaves the club with no illusions of the night’s experience. There was no attempting to get numbers or “hang out” once the DJ packs up. The fantasy is over and there is no problem transitioning back into reality.

And at the end of relationships we begin to realize what we knew all along. This was a mating experiment gone wrong. Pack up your things and learn what you can for the next go round.

I would think that knowing how love functions biologically would make the whole thing seem depressing if not for one important fact: Despite knowing the truth, I am looking forward to buying into the fantasy once again.

Honestly, It’s not cheating that pisses me off

Because that part I get. Hell, I fall in love almost daily with the girl at the grocery store, my super smart lab partner, or the waitress with the wicked sense of humor. I guess one could say it doesn’t count if those feelings are never acted on but the fact remains that the foundation for infidelity is laid in all of those situations.

My real problem is the lack of honesty that leads to the actual act of cheating.

Granted, I wouldn’t be stoked to hear if my partner was crushing on someone hard enough to warrant putting our long term relationship on hold to pursue something with a guy you met a month earlier, but I sure as Hell would rather we be on the same playing field. [Ed. note: ahem, TMI? Whatever.]

Long post short: Cheating is unnecessary. I don’t buy into the ideas of “soulmates” and I accept that we are just really two people who care enough about each other to not get emotional with and/or fuck other people. If you feel the need to do either of those things, let me know. It can be arranged without resorting to cheating and, consequently, me destroying things.

Post Long Term Relationship Breakup Timeline

0-3 Months: You’ll feel like complete shit. Welcome to Hell. Make yourself comfy as you realise not only have they already moved on, but your whole relationship was likely a farce. They never felt the same feelings for you that you felt for them. Cool huh?

3-18 Months: You still feel like shit, but you no longer think you are worthless and incapable of being loved. You’ll start awkward dating and have a string of one-night stands in order to get your confidence back. You start to feel less shitty (but sort of empty).

18 - 24 Months: You’ll meet someone you actually consider having a long term relationship with. You’ll go from feeling neutral to good.

24 - 36 Months: Your new relationship will advance. You might even think they are the one! Congrats, you are happy again.

? - ?: You’ll likely break up. Go back to the top and start again.

Ayo - I’m Tired Of Using Technology

Well… not me, but apparently 50, JT and Timbo are. I can’t say I blame them. I’m somewhere in the middle here. Turns out, I communicate primarily by text messages these days. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve changed my phone plan to include less minutes and more texts. However, I still use voice to catch up with those I haven’t talked to in a while or when establishing a relationship with someone I’ve just met. I facebook people who I’m friendly with, but not necessarily friends with, and I use email when I want to write to someone and have it feel more personal or if I have something more substantial to say than is justified to leave on a wall or quick facebook message.

I met an old friend out not to long ago. We had a great time hanging out and we exchanged numbers so we could met up again. Here’s the kicker: she told me *NOT* to call her. Instead, she only replies to text messages or email.Thats it. In fact, her monthly contact only includes a very small number of minutes - and an unlimited data plan. Now keep in mind, this is a strictly platonic friend so it’s not like she was hinting to buzz off. We have hung out since then and it’s always been set up through texting, without one phone call. I’ve been with her when she received a call. She immediately ignored it, then texted the person to text her. Yeah, this girl is serious. Plus she has a smoking hot BlackBerry which makes relying on texting not only possible, but practical.

On the other extreme, I met a girl out one night and got her number. She didn’t have her phone with her at the time so it was a one way deal. The next day I sent her a text, something witty** like “This is my number. Use it.” She didn’t text back. After a couple more days (3 day rule, gentlemen) I gave her a call and we went out. I mentioned how she didn’t return my text and she dropped the bomb on me - No text messaging. Wha?!?! That’s right, she didn’t have texting on her phone.

So there we go, the two extremes. Where do you lie on the spectrum and at this point what is crazier - only texting or no texting? To be honest, my reaction was stronger towards no texting but then again I think I am probably more technologically oriented than the average person.

**Questionable

Bonus video after the jump!

50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - Ayo Technology

The end of personal relationships and social networking

I know a girl who was in a long term relationship for a while (probably not more than a couple of years). This girl happens to be emo/punk/xcorex, whatever you want to call those people who prefer dark clothes, piercings, and crappy music. Her and her ex have been apart for probably about 4 years or so, and she still posts vague messages about loving him on her social networking sites.

This interests me not only because I’m a computer scientist in training who happens to specialize in social networking and virtual communities, but because I also happen to be in a situation where I could exploit these sites in the same manner.

The first day of our separation I honestly took it harder than I expected. I of course e-stalked her and updated my information to reflect our current state. I also wrote out song lyrics I thought were fitting. I later regained my logic processing unit and stopped that unnecessary bullshit.

It’s funny because I like to think of myself as a scientist/researcher where I stick to observing this behavior in the wild. Actually taking part in it was quite a different experience. So, now having partaken in this e-ritual myself, I feel I can more accurately draw conclusions about the motivation for and effectiveness of posting personal post-relationship information on networking sites in order to attract the attention of an ex.

Firstly, I was first and foremost motivated by just that: attention. Sure, there was hurt because the relationship was ended. But posting mean lyrics or just outright talking about the situation online was not an outlet for pain, rather it was a means to get the attention of my ex to get her to acknowledge the pain she had put me through.

Next I would have to say that this type of behavior is not very effective in the means which most participants would probably hope. The perfect goal in my case would have been for my ex to call me up (after reading about my pain and anguish), apologize for everything, and then we resume the relationship. However, even though I was not on the receiving end, I’m forced to conclude that posting post-relationship information online would have the opposite effect. Of course these conclusions are drawn from my knowledge of conventional sociology, however, I believe this is fair because the Internet is only being used as a tool for perception and we aren’t interested in how the receiver would respond using the tools of Internet/digital soc. networking, but rather only the personal feelings which would result from the initial information provided by the original participant.

The participant would likely be perceived in one of the following ways determined by his/her information put online and assumed tone of the information provided:

1) Mean - the information provided is intentionally hurtful. Most likely this is the person who has been most hurt in the relationship, has the most pride (as with most guys), or feels personally attacked by the ending of the relationship (i.e. person is not good enough).

The receivers reaction to this type of behavior is likely one of hurt. Often this person did not intensionally hurt the participant and now that they have been intensionally hurt, they are likely to isolate the ex. and cut off further means of communication to them.

2) Whiny / I miss you crap - the person who posts this thinks they are going to win the person back by letting everyone know how much they miss the other person. Likely this person is a hopeless romantic who has seen one to many movies and thinks that publicly confessing feelings is a good idea.

The reaction to this is more than likely…no reaction at all. People want what they perceive to be unattainable, therefore when someone puts themselves out there and wears their heart on their sleeves, likely this behavior will be seen as weakness and/or desperation. People are attracted to confidence so this is counter-productive to winning back your ex.

3) Personal details of the breakup/relationship - Putting personal details of the relationship/breakup online can be viewed as therapeutic to those who do it. I think a good old fashioned paper journal would be a better idea to help get those feelings down while keeping it private.

Although your ex may not really care if your personal information is available to everyone, it will definitely hurt the chances of a re-connect because now everyone knows what is going on from one persons perspective. There may be feelings of mistrust here too because personal information between two people should really remain just that.

All in all, if a relationship is over, most likely, it’s over for good. Winning back an ex seldom pans out, and the odds of doing so will be severely hampered by trying to get at them online. “But if its over, why not try?” New relationships will come. And when they do, you will be judged if you are worthy by your performance in past relationships. Nobody wants to date someone who obsessed/slandered/posted private information about their ex online. It’s just bad form. Try using the Internet/social networking sites as a means to help get over your ex instead of trying to win them back. Focus on current/potential relationships while avoiding making it seem like you are trying boast and brag about your latest conquests. Basically, just continue being you. Post pictures of fun things you do, write entertaining stories, and overall just continue living your life.

Instead of trying to get to them over the internets, when you miss your ex use the tried and true method of getting attention from them: drunk dialing.

PS- I’m not really sure what being emo has to do with this post. I guess its just because I imagine all emo’s are sitting at home holding a razor blade to their wrists thinking about their exes. Get over it. And stop wearing mascara for God sakes, you are a guy.